I think I'm desperately in need of a drastic change in my life or something very bad will happen

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit) 06/07/2015 at 11:18 • Filed to: None

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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but honestly I’ve been kind of suffering from a lot of anxiety that has kept me from doing so. For a number of months now. But I can’t sleep and it’s all I can think about right now.

I was driving home today and I was thinking about how much my life has frankly been a disappointment one way or another and that I’m really only good at two things: screwing up and driving. When I’m driving I feel like I have a kind of confidence I don’t have in anything else. Maybe a bit overconfidence as when I was thinking !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

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But anyway, like I said I think I need a drastic change in my life before something bad happens. Like, well, draw your own conclusions bad. I’ve spent the last three years trying to earn my teaching certification and I have nothing to show for it. I thought I was going to be a great teacher but when I did my student teaching I ended up being so stressed out I had a mental breakdown which was a factor in how I ended up being hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation. And, oh yeah, I still can’t pay for that even though my therapist keeps insisting that he’ll try to do something for it, but over half a year later nothing’s been shown for it. I used to do a lot of reading and writing but ever since I just completely lost my motivation. So lately I’ve just been drifting through. I don’t feel like I have a lot of opportunity or aptitude for anything useful.

I think it’s time for a deep and drastic career change. Maybe even a location change. Like pack up the car and pick a random direction without a plan and not afraid to be homeless change. Maybe being homeless would be a good thing because I’m sick and tired of being obligated to the rest of society. And to be honest I kind of hate being in Colorado. I hate the weather, I hate how crowded and ugly it is in Denver (it’s not all LoDo after all) and yet at the same time I hate how there’s nothing else around here. I really don’t want to be here anymore. But maybe I just feel too comfortable being where I am now, especially still under the care of my parents, which is needless to say embarrassing at my age.

And another thing, I’m sick and tired of feeling like I get no respect, maybe because I haven’t done anything to deserve respect. The cop who pulled me over kept insulting me especially when I asked he call my dad (who works with police) and kept saying that I’m an adult, it’s not going to happen. Well guess what? First of all you’re a douche, second of all when the fuck did I ever ask to be an adult anyway? I never asked for any of this.

TL;DR I’m a failure, failure follows me everywhere in life and I’m so sick and tired of it I’m strongly open to any suggestions up to the equivalent of bungie jumping without a rope (metaphorically speaking). I’m just so sick and tired of where I am in life with no friends and no opportunities and nobody who I feel like cares. And I’m really sick and tired of having to feel like I have to accept this shit sandwich and eat it with a smile. Maybe I’ll smile for the last time when I stick a gun to my mouth and eat a bullet instead of a shit sandwich instead.

And no, I’m not planning on killing myself, I just wanted to get that off my chest. But I am strongly thinking of just simply disappearing somewhere.

Nibby > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 11:22

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A change of seasons is good.

(scenery too but I wanted to make a Dream Theater reference)

Jedidiah > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 11:23

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It’s good that you communicating, because you can get people to help you feel better this way

Take a long, minimalist vacation and see how you feel

You should never, ever consider suicide as an option because you are more important than you realize

cletus44 aka Clayton Seams > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 11:26

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Hey man. I was a burned out college drop out a few years ago. It hit me pretty hard. I'm no therapist but If you ever want to talk just shoot me an email at Clayton.seams@gmail.com

MLGCarGuy > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 11:36

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I suggest a road trip to somewhere to give you time about what you really want to do in life. Think about potential places you could move to and what career you’d be interested in. Do what you really desire for your career.

I would suggest moving to SoCal but everything is wicked expensive.

Have a funny thing.

thebigbossyboss > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 11:56

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You can’t stop being an adult just because you don’t like it. Therefore we might as well make the best of it. Time waits for neither man nor beast.

I realize you’re dissatisfied with your life, but remember, only you can make the change you want to see. I quit school too last fall. I hated it. I didn’t understand it. I was broke, poor and sad all the time. I am a lot happier now without it. If you think you can’t make it, or don’t want to make it then quit.

There is no shame in choosing a new path in life. The real shame is sticking down a path you don’t want to be on. It’s not your parents life, it is yours. They want the best for you...but only you know what the “best for you” is.

If you’re thinking of moving somewhere don’t go be homeless, go get a job where you move and start supporting yourself. Go for a place like walmart or a big grocery chain or something. In those jobs you can start at the bottom and work your way up to the top little by little. And you don’t need a teaching ceritificate to do it. The former district manager around here started as stock boy and went up all the way to store manager and then district manager. Lots of paths in life my friend :D

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 12:06

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so, maybe this will help, maybe not I don’t know you at all well, but it’s a realization that helped me feel less loser-y when I was younger and feeling depressed and awful (but not suicidal any longer, because when I was 14 and tasted the metal of the barrel of the 12gauge I realized that I was being short-sighted and stupid for a whole bunch of reasons that I won’t go into, because they won’t be like your reasons anyway... anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, realization: “Fuck’em.” Now this doesn’t mean be evil and lazy and a criminal or shit like that, because I still live by the basic tenet of “Don’t be an asshole, and never give up” but it does mean that other people’s opinions (including your parent’s) don’t mater quite as much as I thought. Now this doesn’t mean you should make people hate you, but it does mean you don’t really have to make ‘em approve of you either. Once I figured that out it was a lot easier to not think of myself as a failure, and once I could do that I could do the things I wanted to do without stressing out about them so much, and I found it easier to succeed, because I wasn’t so worried about failing that I psyched myself out... I actually found I was good at things, lots of things actually, and some of them were even gainful! I bounced around a bunch, did a bunch of things, removed a bunch of people from my life and relegated others to background positions when they had been first (Parents), got some new more positive friends who appreciated me for being the car-obsessed photography-nerd self-taught-want-to-be-engineer/mechanic with a double BFA in Photography and Sculpture. As it turns out I have leveraged this “worthless degree” (as my patents called it) into a top-level operations management position at a print-on-demand/digital media fulfillment house with serious industry clout and a paycheck that makes my life comfortable if not quite outright affluent... I won’t tell you it’ll happen over night, because it won’t, but remember “never give up, don’t be an asshole” and “fuck ‘em if they don’t get it” yeah... Maybe that’s helpful, maybe not...? Also, may I humbly suggest the North East? The cost of living is ridiculously high, the salaries are rather uncompetitive, but the populous is understanding and encouraging, the opportunities for non-standard employment are abundant and diverse, and the landscape is beautiful. The mountains may not be as majestic as Colorado, but they are close enough to the population centers that you can choose to not see another human all day, or drive an hour or less and be surrounded by more hipsters than you know what to do with. Also, great beer. ;) if none of that sounds good, then ignore me as you see fit, but do what works. It might take a while to figure out what that is, but you will.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > thebigbossyboss 06/07/2015 at 12:14

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Yeah, being an adult is not something you should give up, intentionally being homeless is a bad idea. on the other hand I can say from experience that there’s nothing like alternately living in the back of your volvo, crashing on couches and squatting in an acquaintance's foreclosed house in the winter of 2008 to kick your ass into gear... At least that was the case for me.

JGrabowMSt > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 12:17

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Ill email you later with some insight. Ive got a lot of free time this afternoon, and something to share you will understand and hopefully appreciate.

yamahog > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 12:29

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I’m sorry to hear you’re unhappy. I’m afraid I don’t have much to say that could really help, except that it sounds like you may want to talk to a new therapist if the current one seems to have dropped the ball.

thebigbossyboss > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 06/07/2015 at 12:36

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2009 was the year that kicked my ass. That and this last one. in 2009 I had no job, wrecked my car and injured myself pretty bad. There’s nothing wrong with wanting change in one’s life, but one can’t just give up on trying to “adult” altogether.

Kyle D. > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 14:14

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Here’s an idea. There are farms all over the country that will put a roof over your head if you work for them during the day. Some of them even give you a manageable 8-9 hour work day. It serves as a bit of a retreat and lets you test new waters in a new part of the country. You don’t have to worry about a permanent commitment with that.

Jobs that immediately come to mind include being a mechanic or an airline pilot. I know that they involve school, but it isn’t school school. One top tip is to move to an expensive part of the country (NYC, So Cal, etc.), become a mailman, and put in for a transfer after a year or so to a cheaper place to live. USPS workers retain their salaries with transfers, so you can make good money with that after a while. Selling cars can’t be too bad either because who knows cars better than Opponauts?

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 14:21

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“and that I’m really only good at two things: screwing up and driving.”

I disagree. You’re good at writing... so that means there are at least 3 things you’re good at ;-)

“I thought I was going to be a great teacher but when I did my student teaching I ended up being so stressed out I had a mental breakdown which was a factor in how I ended up being hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation.”

Some people are fine with public speaking and being the focus of attention. For others, it’s extremely stressful and it’s a skill that has to be learned. You may yet become a good teacher... it’s just that you may need help with public speaking and getting more comfortable with being the focus of attention in a group.

I’ve had to coach people and help them get ready to do presentations. One idea that I live by and that I always say... no matter how bad things go, it’s not like you’re in Napoleon’s Court where if you say/do the wrong thing, you could get beheaded. Just imagine how stressful it must have been to be a member of Napoleon’s court!

Helps put things in perspective.

“I’m sick and tired of feeling like I get no respect,”

There is NO escaping that. In life, there will always be disrespectful assholes. Hell... I bet that cop often feels like that he gets no respect that he feel he ‘deserves’... hence his need to be a powertripping asshole.

But having said that, asking him to call your dad isn’t something you should say to an asshole. It just gives them more ammunition to mock you. When you talk to a police officer you don’t know, I recommend you follow this advice:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wXkI4…

“I’m a failure, failure follows me everywhere in life”

I disagree. For one thing, you’ve gotten to the point that you know how to put together a proper paragraph. Many people haven’t gotten that far at the same age. And you got to the point where you’re able to begin earning a teaching certification... so that tells me you’re not a high school dropout.

Right now, your life is at a crossroads and you’re not sure which way to go. And that’s stressful. I’ve been there... I know.

I have two suggestions:

1. start writing a journal every day. This will help relieve stress by allowing you to dump your thoughts in a sequential fashion. This will also help you to organize your thoughts. And in doing so, it may help you to identify solutions to various things.

2. Write down all the good things in your life... count your blessings. Start with your health. You can walk, run and do things like driving. Many people with disabilities can’t do that. Hell... some people live in places so poor, the very idea of driving a car is just a dream. Doing this will help keep things in perspective.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t 06/07/2015 at 14:24

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Yes! Absolutely. “Fuck ‘em... Fuck ‘em all” is something I’ve said to myself when having do deal with people who always have some sort of “problem”.

E92M3 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 14:30

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Pack up and move elsewhere. Colorado is weird. Sometimes it’s the most beautiful place on earth, other times it’s depressing. I think I suffered from Vitamin-D shortage and depression during the winters I lived there. Take a weekend trip to Austin or somewhere else to see if you like it maybe.

random001 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 15:32

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Given what I know about you, which is admittedly very little, but I’ll try, I think you should apply for a retail position at every racetrack in the country. Man the pro shop. Apply to work at a racing school somewhere. Mid Ohio? I’m sort of close to that. You’ll be manning a retail desk, but you’ll have a lot of opportunity to get into racing, which you seem to like. or SCCA, or anything that you can get somewhere and be near what you love. Let them know you are overjoyed to relocate, work hard, and move up to be a racing instructor in a Skip Barber school, or such. Just my 0.02.

Also, if you want to talk, I’m good for it.

smobgirl > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 06/07/2015 at 16:06

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I’ll second the vote for a different therapist.

I dropped out of college and moved about 600 miles from home when I was about your age. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea and I can guarantee it set me back quite a bit in salary, etc. at this point in my life, but I don’t doubt that I needed to do something like that at the time. I did go back to school but a totally different major and just tried to finish ASAP). If nothing else, leaving taught me that I can be as independent as I have to be (not kidding, I just moved a couch down my Victorian hobbit-staircase by myself).

Denver is definitely changing. I’ve considered leaving myself but at this point in my life I can see that it won’t really change my position in life much. Sure, it could be cheaper to live somewhere else, but I’m not in a situation where I’d prefer or require a different part of the country (not looking for a tech job, not looking for a more religious-oriented town, for example). I think a lot of large cities are what you make of them...try moving within a geographic area before up and leaving just to find yourself in the same situation but farther away and more alone.

As far as teaching, I hear you. It’s something I idealized when I was younger and always thought I’d do as an adult. It’s changed a lot due to politics - it’s not worth it anyway. I teach part time for Jeffco now (music) but have the best of both worlds (total control over what I teach but a normal job to pay bills) and I could never do it for a living.

And random job suggestions...apply to work at one of the go-kart places around here? Or (and random, as I said) - apply for railroad work. It pays much better than you’d expect. It’s always been a fall back option for me but I’m still stubborn enough to not want to follow the family path.

Hang in there! And keep reaching out when you need it...there will always be people who can help and who understand.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Kyle D. 06/07/2015 at 16:38

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y’know, I was gonna mention a farm job myself, but I got sidetracked by other stuff... Or just manual labor in general. As long as you don’t hurt yourself, its a great way to 1)get in Shape and feel good about your physical self 2) avoid over thinking shit all the time 3) have plenty of time to think about things you SHOULD be thinking about. Also, with the exception of farm work (which as you say often comes with room, if not room and board) it tends to pay surprisingly well.